


hey beautiful, it’s a messed up world out there

by beccabarnes



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 17:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5635750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beccabarnes/pseuds/beccabarnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The camera’s pointing at him but all he can see are billboards and glossy magazine pages -- where models get to show off everything he can’t, where models get to be everything he isn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hey beautiful, it’s a messed up world out there

  
  
∞  
  
The camera flashes and Woohyun grins again and again, even while his stomach is churning. This is one of his first print shoots and he feels completely out of his element -- he’s always been given an endless stream of screen ads and video commercials, constantly told that his bright (greasy) personality ‘pops’ on screen and doesn’t translate well onto paper -- but there's a burning desire to do well, to prove that he can do this, that this career wasn't a mistake.  
  
His manager has always told him that he should feel lucky to get what he does, people with his height, with his chubby cheeks, with looks more _cute_ than sultry are lucky to get jobs at all. And Woohyun knows that, he’s not blind. He can see the billboards and the glossy magazine pages where models show off their bodies and their piercing gazes and they look masculine and proud and sexy.  
  
Woohyun's had to do everything short of begging to get this print ad job (because he, oh so naively believed, that it would change everything, prove that he could be sexy) and now that he's gotten it, it's no different from his previous jobs. His concept hasn't changed and he's still smiles and hearts and everything is so _cute_. This wasn’t what he was meant to do and Woohyun just wants to run away and vomit.  
  
But Woohyun is nothing if not professional and so when the photographer tells him to grin, he does. It’s bright and cheery and he even throws in a wink. It's not what he wanted, he tries to convince himself, but perhaps it'd be a stepping stone in the right direction.  
  
∞  
  
After the shoot, Woohyun smiles and thanks everyone but afterwards in the privacy of the car, he goes through magazines and sees Lee Sungyeol. He’s posing in a polished black suit with legs that go on forever and a chin that’s tilted up. His face is unsmiling and his eyes are dark and mysterious. If Korea ranked models the way they ranked idols, Lee Sungyeol would be present day H.O.T, unquestionably adored and loved, the one all other models aspired to be.  
  
Woohyun can't help but mentally compare his latest shoot to the images in front of him and the petty ( _insecure_ ) side of him is frustrated and can't help but lash out to his manager.  
  
"How come I never get to do ads like these?"  
  
Manager-hyung barely glances back from the wheel before snorting. "Are you crazy? Look at your cheeks. You should be happy you get jobs at all, I think they just want your smile."  
  
Scowling, Woohyun pulls out his mirror and pinches at his right cheek. There's no denying it-- there's quite a lot of flesh in his fingers. The magazine is still opened to the page with Lee Sungyeol and Woohyun only needs to catch a glimpse before he vows he'll be on the cover some day.  
  
∞  
  
It starts slow. The scale, once stowed away under the sink, is now ever present in his bedroom, propped against the wardrobe. He cuts lunch from his daily routine and when the numbers start to drop, Woohyun smiles.  
  
But they hardly drop fast enough and Manager-hyung is already involved in negotiations for next months’ schedule and Woohyun _needs_ to prove that he’s more than just a cute face before he has another Kids ‘R Us calendar shoot lined up.  
  
He starts eating salad for dinner.  
  
∞  
  
The first time Woohyun sees Lee Sungyeol in the flesh, it's at a go-see. He's sitting in the waiting room, impossibly long legs stretched out in front of him, his skin flawless, his hair falling gently into his eyes, and his lips sipping casually at a water bottle.  
  
Woohyun is struck speechless by the sheer aura of beauty he's emitting and his manager has to hiss at him to keep moving. His manager tells him to sit while he goes to talk to the receptionist so Woohyun takes the seat across the room from Sungyeol and continues to take side-eye the other model.  
  
He looks elegant, sophisticated, and completely unapproachable.  
  
Until he looks up and grins at Woohyun. Woohyun almost falls out of his chair. He's never seen Sungyeol's smile because his concept has never been anything like Woohyun's (it’s never been _cute_ \-- Woohyun hates the word cute). They've had polar opposite jobs and Woohyun is suddenly struck by how stupid advertisers must be that no producer has seen the value of that bright and gummy smile.  
  
By habit, Woohyun grins back one of his camera smiles but Sungyeol's grin doesn't fade. Instead, it turns rather conspiratorial as he motions to the door.  
  
Casting a quick glance at his manager (who's still quite occupied by the receptionist), Woohyun nods and quietly stands up and exits into the empty hallway. It's barely a minute before the door opens again and Sungyeol joins him, giggling quietly.  
  
"It's so stuffy in there isn't it? I could barely breathe."  
  
Woohyun doesn't quite know what to say so he defaults back to his professional persona and smiles one of his ridiculous smiles and let's his TV personality speak, "Yeah but now that you're here with me, I can barely breathe anyway."  
  
Sungyeol makes a face at that and replies, "Stop that, it's ridiculous."  
  
Woohyun's grin disappears as he nods, finally hit by the realisation that he's standing in the hallway with _Lee Sungyeol_ who's talking to him like they've known each other forever and his heart is pounding hard and he hadn’t had anything to eat all day and he couldn't even fall back on his usual tactics of winning over producers and photographers alike.  
  
It turns out that Sungyeol either hadn't noticed the sickly shade of green Woohyun had turned or had decided not to comment on it because as the two of them walk towards the bathroom, he goes on prattling about how his manager was so boring and about his little brother back home and about how he missed his best friend Myungsoo because he had taken a job in Japan and Woohyun was just nodding along, completely lost but completely mesmerised by Sungyeol's face and voice and _lips_.  
  
By the time they arrive at the bathroom, Woohyun finds that Sungyeol is anything but proud and pretentious and he's actually adorable and awkward and sometimes defensive about his image. In fact, Woohyun almost feels like he could be any kid from his high school and, knowing the industry they belong to, can’t help but wonder how Sungyeol managed to survive and make it in this shark tank.  
  
“Give me a sec.” Sungyeol downs the rest of his water and disappears into a stall but Woohyun, only having left the room because of Sungyeol, just leans against a sink to wait, idly wondering how much longer he can afford to stall before his manager starts looking for him.  
  
Then it begins. It’s clean and quick, over in a couple retching noises and some splashes but there’s no mistaking what it was. Woohyun’s heart is pounding and he can hear it in his ears, even with the flushing water.  
  
Sungyeol comes out, wiping at his mouth and then washes his hands and he seems so completely _normal_ and Woohyun doesn’t understand and the shock must show on his face because Sungyeol, completely at ease a moment before, studies Woohyun’s face and suddenly looks rather tense.  
  
“What?” His voice is defensive. “I would never get shoots if I let myself go and it’s all part of the job isn’t it? You do what you have to do. I’m sure you’ve done it, too. Everyone has.”  
  
_Is this how it’s done? Is this why he’s not getting jobs, why his cheeks are permanently round? Was this what he was doing wrong all along?_ (It’s so disgusting. Only sick people did it. … _It was so brilliant, such an easy solution to everything_.)  
  
The room feels cold but Woohyun’s the master of masks and so he nods and smiles. “Right, yeah, of course. I just didn’t think you’d do it here where someone might see you.”  
  
Sungyeol doesn’t think he believes Woohyun ( _he doesn’t_ ) but maybe he just desperately wants to so after a moment, he relaxes and grins. “Yeah, but I trust you. We’re friends, right? Here, give me your number, I'll text you."  
  
There’s something so compelling about Sungyeol, an aura he has, and despite him knowing that this was probably a slippery slope Woohyun can’t reject it (can’t reject _him_ ). What’s more, all when they were talking Woohyun had _liked_ Sungyeol and this extra information hasn’t changed the past and he still can’t shake the hero-worship admiration he’s always held for his favourite model. So Woohyun gives Sungyeol his number and then his manager is calling his name so he smiles apologetically and Sungyeol just shrugs, smiles, and promises to text.  
  
The whole encounter couldn't have been more than five minutes but somehow, Woohyun feels almost like he's made friends with the model he's spent so long admiring and he's got some very valuable things out of it: Sungyeol’s number and friendship, a close up image of what a model _should_ be, and a clue in the right direction in moulding himself into one.  
  
He works harder.  
  
∞  
  
"omg im so bored"  
  
"me 2 i want to try sth new. im so sick of being me"  
  
"ill trade with u. at least ppl love u"  
  
"yeah right"  
  
∞  
  
The toilet is gaping at him as Woohyun leans over it, uncertain. His stomach is churning and normally he’d be trying to settle it but this time, he feels like he shouldn’t. This is what he wanted, isn’t it?  
  
He closes his eyes and shoves his fingers down his throat and then gags. Nothing comes up and frustrated, he tries again and again but all he succeeds in doing is making his head spin and his eyes tear and he just feels so weak. He can’t do anything, not even this.  
  
∞  
  
“how do u do it?”  
  
“do what?”  
  
“throw up”  
  
“…”  
  
“pls, my fingers don’t work”  
  
_Woohyun waits a long time for a reply and he doesn’t know if he’s hoping for one or he’s hoping it never comes_.  
  
“try a toothbrush”  
  
_And that’s when he knows they’re so extremely dangerous for each other_.  
  
∞  
  
Calories are cut. Meals are skipped. Sleep is compromised for hours on the bench press and sprinting on the treadmill. Woohyun is tired all the time and he gets up early to bb cream the circles under his eyes. More than once, he's been blinded dizzy by the flashing cameras but he grins in the direction of the camera and he's been doing it so long that it's hardly a handicap.  
  
And he _hates_ himself. Hates himself for not being good enough, for not looking good enough. Hates himself for not being able to cut his waist down, for not being able to have the abs he knows he should. Hates himself for having chubby cheeks. And this was a solution, wasn’t it? It was the way to stop hating himself, the way to fix everything.  
  
But it gets worse.  
  
He hates himself when he eats and he can feel it sitting in him, gnawing away at his mind, driving him crazy until he pulls himself to the gym. He wants to puke when he sees food but wants to devour it all the same and the emotions are _insane_. He sees Lee Sungjong on the cover of Vogue and he hates him and then he hates himself because he’s not doing enough and he’s sure if he just tried, that could’ve been him. He hates himself when he falls asleep with a growling stomach, because it _hurts_ , but the satisfaction that he’s made it through another day glows within him and he hates himself for feeling that, too. And most of all, he hates himself for putting his body and his mind through this absolute _torture_.  
  
He can’t stop. He doesn’t think he ever could.  
  
(He can’t give up the control of knowing how many calories he ate, being able to count the number he burned and calculating, always calculating, how much more he can cut.)  
  
∞  
  
It feels like validation when a month later, he has a director, one that had worked with Sungyeol (who Woohyun had been texting so much, the number of texts he'd sent Sungyeol had almost exceeded the number to Key) not too long ago, approach him after a shoot and compliment him on his arm definition and hint towards a possible deal for a print ad for mens' business clothes.  
  
His manager never gets the follow-up call but Woohyun can feel his goal coming towards him, closer and more tangible every day and so he spends all night at the gym, energised by the news and forgetting that the night before, he had almost fallen asleep in the shower. His manager gets the call two days later.  
  
∞  
  
"i got it!!!!"  
  
"!! congrats!! lets go celebrate"  
  
"ok where"  
  
"ill come get u wait"  
  
∞  
  
Woohyun can feel Sungyeol's arm around his waist as he leans sideways heavily, giggling. He slurs out, "Itsh craazy ishn't it? I got itttt."  
  
Sungyeol laughs and shifts his weight so that he's holding Woohyun a little more securely. "Of courshe you did, your 'tremely pretty and e'ryone likesh you. Not like me. I'm never going t-to be-be- good enushf."  
  
After a pause of silence, Woohyun asks, "Are you going -hic- to take me home?"  
  
"Sure," Sungyeol agrees easily enough and then stumbles slightly before dissolving into giggles. "Where are we?"  
  
"Dunno," Woohyun's sinking down onto the floor now. "Let's just stay here."  
  
"Ok." Sungyeol's limbs collapse and he snuggles closer, whispering, "You're too sh-sh- I mean-- skinny."  
  
∞  
  
It's really dark when Woohyun wakes up and his limps feel stiff and his head is pounding. His first thought is that he's desperately late to work because he almost never wakes up without an alarm. His next thought is that perhaps he's on a trip because the surroundings aren't so familiar.  
  
Forcing his eyes open, Woohyun bites back a groan as he pushes himself upright. He'd been sleeping on the ground in an unfamiliar room-- it looked rather like a living room. The curtains were open and through the window, Woohyun could see the tips of the sky unfurling into pink.  
  
Sungyeol was snoring lightly, sprawled on top of the carpet across the room. Woohyun was suddenly quite desperate to get out except the moment he stands up, Sungyeol's snores stop and he rolls over.  
  
Woohyun's almost scared to breathe. Every step he takes, no matter how light, Sungyeol seems to have a small reaction. Was he faking it or was he really that light of a sleeper?  
  
By the time Woohyun finally makes it outside, the sun has already fully broke the surface and Seoul is bathed in a pleasant orange light but Woohyun doesn't stop to appreciate it. He just feels suffocated and his head is throbbing but it's throbbing with words.  
  
_'trembly pretty… sh-sh- I mean-- skinny… likesh you…_  
  
(Is that what you really think?)  
  
∞  
  
"r u coming bak?"  
  
"where did u go?"  
  
"r u ignoring me?"  
  
"u ok?"  
  
"woohyun?"  
  
∞  
  
Sungyeol texts pile up in Woohyun's inbox, unanswered. His phone rings and rings but Woohyun throws it under the couch. Eventually, it goes silent.  
  
Woohyun gets compliments on his cheekbones ( _that had never happened before_ ), he gets fans for his abs ( _barely any skin had shown before_ ), he gets _jobs_. Candy commercials are a thing of the long forgotten past as Woohyun's manager lines up print ad after print ad.  
  
He looks into the camera, his eyes lined heavy and dark. He looks away from the camera, expression pensive and mysterious. He sits, stands, poses, smirks, glares, smoulders, and even drives.  
  
He's not sure he remembers how to smile. He definitely doesn't remember the last proper meal he ate.  
  
∞  
  
Bodies give out, it's impossible to keep pushing them to skeletons and nothingness. Woohyun makes headlines and Korea is thrown into debate about the pressure on celebrities and expectations. The outside world is in a frenzy but Woohyun doesn't care.  
  
His hospital room is stark white and cold. They have him on IV drips and they monitor every minute. He wants to scream that he's fine, that it had just been a little diet ( _that spiralled out of control_ ).  
  
But even if it had, everything had been fine and he had everything he wanted. He was getting print jobs. He wasn't filming anymore. He was on the covers of glossy magazines. He had masculine concepts. He had everything he wanted.  
  
(So why had he been so unhappy?)  
  
Every skipped meal had filled him with a sense of accomplishment, a step towards his ultimate goal. Now he was just tired and desperate but there comes a point where you're trapped. It was the only thing he knew how to do anymore. So he pushed onwards.  
  
And he was _fine_ wasn't he? He had absolutely everything he could want. He was sure of it.  
  
Woohyun spends two weeks in the hospital ( _sneaking off to the bathroom, hiding food under the mattress_ ) before his manager signs him out and he tells the cameras pretty lies-- "I was only a little dehydrated, sometimes shoots go on a little longer than we expect."  
  
∞  
  
Runways are a completely new terrain for Woohyun. Backstage is chaotic and crowded, there are clothes everywhere, coordinators with clipboards running around panicked, and models fanning themselves to keep make-up from dripping with sweat-- a stark contrast to the cool and controlled on-stage they took turns strutting.  
  
In the mess, Woohyun's tugging at his tie which is far too tight but the designer had insisted that was the _style_.  
  
(If Woohyun's honest though, the tie only felt tight after he saw Sungyeol walk past him.)  
  
∞  
  
When Woohyun's leaving, someone latches onto his wrist.  
  
"You were in the hospital." There's almost no feeling to the statement and Woohyun's not sure he wants to try reading Sungyeol's eyes.  
  
"Yes." His voice is cold but there's a layer of warmth simmering inside of him.  
  
"You alright now?"  
  
The 'yes' is there, his mouth is forming the words because he knows he's ok ( _and he’s used to being defensive_ ) but then he's looking at Sungyeol, at those intense, beautiful eyes and the set lines and the soft cheeks and he can picture the gummy smiles and hear the shrieking laughter and the word that comes out of Woohyun's mouth is, "No."  
  
And then Sungyeol is holding him and stroking his hair and crying but laughing and saying, "I know. None of us are. It's a messed up industry. Hell, it’s a messed up world."  
  
∞  
  
_14 missed calls_  
9 unread texts  
  
"where are you? i can come get you."  
  
"woohyun???"  
  
"you have a shoot tomorrow at 6! where are you! get back now!"  
  
∞  
  
  
---  
  
**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for an exchange so it's been over two years and I'm honestly just slowly (SO SLOWLY) trying to import works over and haven't even reread/edited it. Sorry.
> 
> (Also. Wow. I wrote a lot about ED back in the day, didn't I. I guess whatever consumes you, huh.)


End file.
